Healing the Wounds You Didn’t Know Were There

Every marriage carries a story — not just the story you write together, but the individual stories you each bring into the relationship. These stories are filled with joy and pain, hope and heartbreak, victories and wounds. And sometimes, it’s the wounds we didn’t even realize we had that silently shape the way we love, trust, and connect.

We’ve learned in our own journey — and through walking alongside other couples — that unhealed emotional wounds don’t just go away with time. They hide behind reactions, defense mechanisms, silence, or anger. They shape expectations, build walls, and create distance. But here’s the hope: God sees it all — and He heals what’s hidden.

Bringing Emotional Wounds into the Light

It’s easy to believe that the past stays in the past. But if we’re honest, unresolved pain has a way of seeping into the present — especially in marriage. Maybe you’ve noticed:

• ·        One spouse shuts down completely during conflict.

• ·        The other becomes quick-tempered or overly emotional.

• ·        A conversation about something small suddenly turns into a blow-up or tears.

• ·        The silence between you grows longer… and heavier.

Often, couples reach out to us for marriage help because they feel stuck in patterns they can’t explain. What we’ve found time and again is that these patterns are symptoms, not the root issue. Beneath the surface, many couples are living out of old wounds — childhood rejection, past betrayals, family dysfunction, or even spiritual trauma. These hidden places become like landmines in the relationship. You don’t even know they’re there until one of you accidentally steps on it. Without realizing it, couples begin protecting themselves from each other instead of healing together.

How Wounds Show Up in Marriage

The emotional wounds we carry often show up in subtle but significant ways. For example:

• ·        A person who felt unseen as a child may feel desperate for attention and validation from their spouse.

• ·        A man who grew up in a performance-based home might struggle with showing weakness or asking for help.

• ·        A woman who was abandoned emotionally may be quick to believe she’s “too much” or “not enough.”

These experiences form inner vows — silent commitments we make to protect ourselves:

• ·        “I’ll never let someone hurt me again.”

• ·        “I have to be perfect to be loved.”

• ·        “I can’t trust anyone.”

• ·        “If I speak up, they’ll leave.”

Alongside these vows come lies — distorted beliefs the enemy whispers to keep us bound:

• ·        “You’re alone.”

• ·        “You’re not worthy.”

• ·        “You’re broken beyond repair.”

• ·        “No one will choose you.”

These hidden vows and lies become the lens through which we view our spouse, our marriage, and even God. That’s why healing these areas is foundational and not only for personal wholeness but for lasting marriage transformation.

The Role of Faith in Emotional Healing

Psalm 147:3 says,

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”

God doesn’t just mend marriages — He heals people. When people are healed, their marriages change from the inside out.

In our own journey, God began revealing emotional wounds to us. This happened sometimes through prayer, sometimes through each other, sometimes through the help of a Christian counselor, and oftentimes through God nudging our hearts.

One of the most powerful tools for healing is the Word of God. We began replacing lies with truth:

• ·        “I am chosen.” – John 15:16

• ·        “I am forgiven.” – Colossians 1:13–14

• ·        “I am safe in Him.” – Proverbs 18:10

• ·        “There is no condemnation.” – Romans 8:1

As truth began to settle in, fear loosened its grip. Shame lost its voice. The times that we once reacted from pain, we began responding with grace.

A Process for Healing Emotional Wounds

In our Christian marriage coaching, we walk couples through a faith-based process for healing. It’s not a quick fix, but it leads to lasting transformation. Here’s what that process often includes:

1.     Identifying the Wound

This is where we ask the Lord, “Show me the root, not just the fruit.” When a reaction feels bigger than the moment, it’s often tied to a deeper hurt. As you slow down and listen, God is faithful to reveal what needs healing.

2.     Naming Inner Vows and Lies

Ask yourself:

• ·        What promises have I made to protect myself?

• ·        What lies have I believed about myself, others, or God?

• ·        When we bring these into the light, we can break their power.

3.     Breaking Agreement with the Lies

Declare truth out loud:

• ·        “I break agreement with the lie that I am unlovable.”

• ·        “I replace it with God’s truth that I am deeply loved and chosen.”

This is spiritual warfare — and it shifts things in your heart and home.

4.     Releasing Through Forgiveness

This can be one of the hardest — and most healing — steps. Forgiveness doesn’t say, “It’s okay.” It says, “I release you so I can be free.”

“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.” – Ephesians 4:32

Forgiveness clears the ground so God can rebuild what was broken.

5.     Inviting God’s Healing

This is where you let God do what only He can. Sit in His presence. Ask for His healing. Receive His peace. Inner healing brings clarity, freedom, and renewed hope.

Why Healing Is a Gift to Your Marriage

Healing your own heart is one of the most loving things you can do for your spouse. When you’re no longer reacting from old wounds, you become safer. When you release inner vows, you become more open. When you believe truth, you love more freely.

We’ve seen it in our own marriage — healing makes connection possible again. One moment of healing often leads to many moments of restoration. This journey isn’t always easy, but it’s worth it. You don’t have to walk it alone.

Marriage Support That Goes Deeper

This kind of healing isn’t just about learning communication skills — though those matter — it’s about becoming whole, so your marriage becomes a reflection of God’s healing power.

At Journey 2 Unity, we believe in going beneath the surface. We provide faith-based marriage help that targets the heart — not just the habits.

• ·        If you’re stuck in cycles you can’t explain…

• ·        If you love each other but feel distant…

• ·        If you’re tired of feeling emotionally exhausted…

…this may be the invitation to go deeper.

Let God Begin the Healing

If something in this journal stirred your heart, take it to the Lord. Ask Him to show you what He wants to heal. Be willing to see, to feel, and to trust. And when you’re ready, we’re here to help you move forward in freedom.

Take your next step toward emotional healing and marriage restoration: journey2unity.com/contact

Additional resources for this information can be found within this article from the Marriage Recovery Center; “Healing Wounds From Our Past”.

Focus on the Family, Canada has a corresponding article entitled “Identifying the emotional wounds we bring into marriage”.

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